Real Vehicle Hunting on Craigslist

I always get these bright ideas. They seem good at the time but it’s just a trick of my masochistic subconscious to suck me into the abyss.

I’m interested in such-and-such a vehicle. Think I’ll grab some coffee and poke around on Craigslist.

I fire up Search Tempest and type my query into the search bar.

Oh wow, look at all these hits! Surely I’ll quickly find just the right thing.

Yeah.

I should know better. I should know better as soon as those delusions cross my mind.

2002 Chevy Asinina great shape! <click>

Oh good god, there are 373,000 miles on this?! Well okay, maybe not this one.

<scrolling>

1999 Toyota Twit <click>

Got no picture. Runs drives. call Merv

Gee, that was informative.

<scrolling>

1997 Chrysler Crouton <click>

Comes with tires and extra strap.

What the hell does that mean?

<scrolling>

2006 Lincoln Log YOUR BEST DEAL!!! <click>

THIS LITTLE BEAUTY HAS IT ALL!! I’M NOT KIDDING!! STEREO, SEATS, STEERING WHEEL YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH THIS GEM!! HURRY AND GRAB THIS LINCOLN LOG BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE SNATCHES IT UP!!! THIS LINCOLN LOG IN MINT CONDITION WONT LAST!!! THOUSANDS OF SATISFIED CUSTOMERS! LOW FINANCING BAD CREDIT NO CREDIT ACCEPTED!! CALL SLEAZY PETE’S SHORE SIDE SALES TODAY!!!

Good lord.

<scrolling>

1998 Ford Fuchsia very clean <click>

Ouch, my eyes!

I hear the faint sounds of my subconscious snickering in delight.

<scrolling>

2000 Dodge Dingleberry super reliable <click>

“Needs shocks, breaks (sic), a fuel pump and a head gasket but she’s real reliable otherwise. $18,800 or offer.”

Holy $&*#! I don’t think so pal.

<scrolling>

2003 Nissan Neutered $1200 <click>

“I have neutered perfect condition low mile low cost for you. I accept Western union only,ship anywhere” (sic)

Yeah, right.

<scrolling>

2000 Ford Fudge great shape small dent <click>

##&@*$!!
Small, my ass!

<scrolling>

2001 Jeep Jackass minor rust <click>

Oh my God!

I choke on my coffee.

<scrolling>

Older GMC Gobstopper fixer upper <click>

Holy balls!

My eyeballs pop out. I retrieve them from off the floor.

<scrolling>

2003 Ford Flicker <click>

Wow, this is just right! It’s intact. It runs. Lots of great pics, not too far away…

<grabs phone, dials number>

“Nooo I’m sorry, I just sold it 15 minutes ago.”

Fffffffff

<scrolling>

2003 Chevy Corkscrew <click>

Great description. Great pics. Great price. Perfect in every way.

Wow, this is perfect…DAMMIT it’s in Zimbabwe, FL!

<scrolling>

1992 Chevy Corkscrew SuperCork GS <click>

Holy hell.

<gently closes the laptop lid and weeps.>