Magic Diet Plan

“Mooove Over, Slime Fast!”    

Now, some of you have wondered how I can eat donuts and not be 500
lbs…Here for the first time is my amazing secret!

You may find yourself thinking “What the heck kind of diet plan is this?” while reading.  But keep going, I assure you, and you won’t be disappointed.  Take it from the Magicwolf! Money-back guarantee if it doesn’t work for you!

First, comb through the cupboards while gripped in the throes of a serious munchie attack.  Hmmm, notice that delicious-looking marble cake mix and joy of joys, a tub of chocolate-fudge frosting so you won’t have to go through the back-breaking labor of making icing yourself.  A double treat!

Small daughter wants to help, and being in the fine mood you are, you smile generously at her and hand over the measuring cup to let her pour water in the mix herself.
Next, plug-in the mixer and wipe the drool off your chin.  After all you still have to wait about 35 minutes to let the concoction bake.  Proceed to mix the batter for the two minutes indicated by the fine folks at Pillsbury.  The cute  little dough-boy smiles invitingly at you from the box as you hand over the beaters to your small daughter to lick.  You share the warmth and smile back at her little chocolate-covered face.

Finally you place the cake in the oven and set the microwave timer (since your cheesy old oven’s timer ceased functioning long ago).  Then you lounge on the couch, preparing to let the wafting aroma of baking cake assault your nostrils.

BEEP!

Well finally, by God, it’s done.  Remove the baked confection from the oven and explain to your disappointed small daughter that you need to wait for the cake to cool off before you can slather it with that chocolate-fudge icing.

LATER:  Thank heavens, the cake has cooled off and now you can finally adorn it with frosting, relieving it of that “naked-cake” look.  You lovingly apply the creamy frosting, envisioning your teeth sinking into that first piece.  Small daughter dances anxiously by your side.

Success!  The cake is frosted!  You grab a knife and whack off two good-size hunks for yourself and small-daughter.  She rushes off to devour her slice. You devour your slice, proclaim it not half-bad and go to get another, reveling in your culinary talents.  You figure you perhaps could have mixed it a wee bit longer as the batter had some small lumps – but never mind! The directions said “mix until moistened” not beat the living crap out of it.  It was really no big deal.

A day and ½ a cake later (no, you didn’t eat all that yourself) you decide that some delicious cake would be a lovely ending to your pizza dinner. While chewing part of the generous hunk you cut for yourself, you come across another one of those small lumps (that you’ve previously been consuming and ignoring) and remove it from your mouth on a whim.  Gee, that’s funny – it faintly resembles a maggot-like creature.  Oh holy shit – it IS a maggot-like creature!

Calmly walk out to the living room and announce to your family that perhaps they really doesn’t want to partake of cake.  Put your plate down on the dishwasher, then proceed rather rapidly to the bathroom and hurl your guts out.  Be sickened later that day (today) at the mere thought of that *&%# cake and envision that fat little stupid dough-boy who was leering at you from the box squashed flat under your disgusted foot.

And that is the Magic Diet Plan.  Free to try for 30 days!  What have you got to lose but your appetite?!