Customer Service

“Where the customer is a pain in our ass!”       

I don’t use “Customer Service” telephone numbers very often.  I like to find answers myself, plus I dread the stupid human phone tricks one must do to speak with a hired goon.  But when I do have to call, I expect my question to be answered without rudeness or sarcasm and with some degree of knowledge.

(Now on the flip side, I work with ‘customers’ and I well know the kinds of pains-in-the-ass they can be. They are not always right – and I don’t think that attitude is even healthy or that you should kiss someone’s rear or put up with being maltreated to just get their dollars. I’ve been cursed at and threatened. There have been many I’d like to have drop-kicked off the nearest available ledge. Things go both ways. A certain degree of civility and intelligence can ensure that the experience goes well for both parties.)

This anecdote takes place when the concept of ‘automated support’ was in its infancy and beginning to gather steam.

Some of the bigger offenders are Wells Fargo and Qwest.  I think I’ll pick on Qwest.  “Qwest” used to, long ago, be known as Northwestern Bell. They then became known as US West, then…the cutesy, misspelled “Qwest”.  A progressive spiral to the armpits of phone hell.

I qwestion a corporation that can’t spell its name right in the first place.  I was forced to use Qwest since there are no other local phone companies out my way.  I told them when I signed up via the form they had that I wished to use AT&T as my long distance carrier.

They gave me Sprint.*

I told them I wanted my phone hooked up a week later, per their installation schedule-options.

They meandered out and hooked it up 2-3 weeks later.

I don’t think they actually read the form I filled out.  If their spelling skills are any indication, maybe they can’t read.

After giving Sprint a shot, but being charged $10 for 3-2 minute long distance calls I decided Sprint sucked qwail droppings and I reluctantly braced myself to contact Qwest to tell them that they had given me the wrong company and I would like my original choice, please.

This was after I filled out an online form and sent it to express my dissatisfaction.  They like to have you use their online stuff because they don’t want to talk to you.  I think they have trouble forming spoken words.

Anyways the form is stupid because after answering 20 qwestions and pressing submit…

…their reply consisted of a standard form letter that said I must “call to resolve account issues”.  ARGH!!

So filled with all the glee of a prisoner facing execution in a Johnny Cash song, I called. I pressed 1, 3 9, 3 6, 4 ## and then barked like a dog into the phone to speak with a goon.

Qwest told me it was Sprint’s fault but when I called Sprint they told me it was Qwest’s fault.  So I called Qwest again. Twice in a day! How much fun can you have in one evening?

This time, I told the Customer Service Representative Who Values My Business And Thanks Me For My Call that if he looked up my info, he would see that I had chosen AT&T, not Sprint.  Could they kindly rectify their mistake?

The CSRWVMBATMFMC said, “I could look into that but I’m not going to.  If you want your long-distance company changed, you will have to pay our fee to do that.  Have a nice day.”  <click>

#$%&#!!

May the fleas of many camels infest his hairy goon armpits.

“Mr. Asshole, I could continue to pay my bill every month but I’m not going to.  If you want my business, you will have to address my concerns to do that.  Have a nice day!”

*In hindsight, as the above incident was a number of years ago, I think this was some variation of slamming, hence the reluctance to actually provide any form of customer service.