Tech Support From Hell

Almost everybody has dealt with Tech Support at one time or another.  I don’t think they’re that bad.  After all, they get the credit for driving me into accumulating the wealth of knowledge that I now possess.

This anecdote was written in the early 90’s, the days of Windows 3.1, 95 and DOS. Our first PCs were Packard Bell, no longer in business.

It’s a common story. A typical newbie purchases an overpriced, underpowered machine.  Clueless Newbie gets it home, sets it up and proceeds to happily compute away.  Until…

One day the computer begins to sulk.  “Illegal Operation!”  It sulks, crossing it’s arms and refusing to do another thing beyond displaying error boxes.  Clueless Newbie is baffled.  He/she gingerly clicks “OK” (as though you’re given other choices), mistakenly believing he/she is pacifying the machine into compliance.  Wrong!

Enter the Blue Screen Of Death.  This is a foreboding screen helpfully informing you that the computer is now ceasing to operate and will shut down…Now.  You swear at it with your best-contrived curses.

<$*&@!!  #($& **& RIGHT NOW!>

It does not help.

Also ranking high on the meter-of-fun is random lock-ups.  You are working along, minding your own business when suddenly the computer decides it’s quitting time and refuses to respond.  The mouse won’t move, and the keyboard makes beeping noises.

What the #$%^ing hell…

Now you are feeling betrayed.  You’ve gone along with it’s stack dumps and kernel32dll errors and this is the thanks you get?

Eventually, most newbies must break down at some point and call “Tech Support”.  This is a fun experience.  Most “Tech Support” lines have thoughtfully included soothing music for the hour or two you will spend on hold and they assure you every 30 seconds or so that your call is important so you never feel forgotten.

“Elllloooo?  Deees ees XWZ sooopooort.  May Ei eelp you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Caahn ei eelp you?”

“Oh.  Yes.  I bought your XWZ system about a…..”

“Whaat eees your product ID nooomber, pleeeeze?”

“1234567.  Now, I bought your XWZ system about a month ago and…”

“Youuu bought dis seeeeestem a moonth ago?”

“Excuse me?”

“Youuu bought dis seeeeestem a moonth ago?”

“Oh.  Yes.”

“Whaat eees you model nooomber, pleeeeze?”

“7654321”

“What eees your daate of birth and your last immoonizasheun, pleeeeeze?”

“What the hell?…”

“You need to reformat everytheeeng.”

“#$@^ What!!??”

“Pleeeeze cleeck on Weendow’s Explorer, right cleeck on the C drive and choose format.”

“No way, you’re crazy!”

“You need to doo theees.”

“But you don’t even know what my problem is yet!”

“Eeet does not matter.  You must reformat everytheeeng.”

“I want to talk to your supervisor!”

“Caan you hold, pleeeze…”

“No!…not again…wait!…<click>…#$%!@!”

Usually after extricating the phone from the wall into which you’ve launched it, you can sit down and negotiate with your computer and bribe it into properly working.  You agree to never, ever run the program  it didn’t like again and it grudgingly will start with a few 3-fingered salutes.  If worst comes to worst, you can always call the family “geek” <ahem>, (who suddenly doesn’t seem so geeky) to fix your machine!